Don’t tell me I don’t know the horrors of Vietnam.  You’re waging your own diabolical war, and I’m the lone victim. Congratulations, General, the target has been obliterated.  Go ahead and plant the flagpole of victory straight through my heart.  You’ve won.

I dreamed there was nothing in the house to eat but an amoeba.  I remembered from science class that amoebas can make one sick.  So I tried frying my amoeba.  All the while, I fantasized about having a different single-celled plant/animal to eat: the euglena, my all-time favorite when it comes to green scum.

Decoys

I dreamed that, like a colon, I stood between parts of a numerical expression of time (in hours, minutes, and seconds).  On digital clocks, I got to blink.

Later that night, I dreamed about that gorgeous passage in the novel MIDDLESEX by Jeffrey Eugenides, about the teacher who "spoke in complete paragraphs.  If you listened closely it was possible to hear the dashes and commas in his speech, even the colons and semicolons."

Saint Cartello
Patron of Planned Obsolescence.

Originally a friend to poor workmen (then, over time, associated with "poor workmanship"), Saint Cartello was an expounder of the philosophy of "Divine Second Thoughts."  Shrines to Saint Cartello, manufactured on assembly lines, are traditionally replaced annually.  Cartello oversees self-defeating obsessions, American-made appliances, disposable razors, and unpredictable hemlines.

"Is it just me?"  On a technicality, no.  One should say, "Is it just I?"  But then the answer would still be no, and you can prove it by looking in a phone book.

I dreamed that rabbits communicate via eye blinks.

New Summer Course Offerings at the "Real World University"


Hmmm... I'd love to learn how to slander a celebrity and balance my checking account, but if I take Spanish Cognates then I won't have to buy a textbook!

Did you hear the one I just made up about the horticulturist who got stranded on a tropical island?  He wasn't lonely—he had a lot of fronds.

Cut

This puzzle grid contains an 8-letter word meaning "deadbeats, layabouts, delinquents." Can you find it? All letters in the word must touch (in any direction), and no square may be reused.

The following hints are in black text on a black background. Highlight to view.

Hint regarding word's location: The word begins in the fourth row.

Hint regarding first letter: The word begins with a D.

Answer: Dropouts.

There is also an 8-letter adjective describing certain types of maps and furniture.

Answer: Foldouts.

SONG: Heartaches For a Dime
ARTIST: Wynn Stewart

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

I only know I've held you close and kissed you my last time
And that's a lot of heartaches for a dime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

I only know I've held you close and obeyed your every order
And that's a lot of heartaches for a quarter

I dreamed that auroras were caused by bats.

Split Personalities:


so much depends
upon
a course in
miracles

—William Carlos Williamson, author of
"The Red Wheelbarrow" and A Return to Love.

Counting Sheep

I dreamed about a face.  There was "a tiny scar above [the] right eyebrow shaped just like a semicolon," exactly as in TAKE A CHANCE ON ME by Susan Donovan.

Then I dreamed that I fell in love with a woman who "spoke with the kind of fluency where you could SEE the semicolons in her speech," just as in BLACK FRIDAY by James Patterson.